Did I tell you I’ve always been a perfectionist? Probably not, I’d have been quicker to tell you what I got wrong or what was not up to scratch, that’s been the hardest part of being a perfectionist, perfectionism is impossible to achieve, it’s always just out of reach! Now, I’m sure that is something that most people, including you & i, know on a conscious basis, the joy of beliefs is that they are lurking in the subconscious, causing conflict with what we consciously believe, therein lies the problem.
Why It’s an Issue
My inner perfectionist procrastinates over things such as creating videos with me in them, I always defer them to a day where my hair and make-up look right, I need to have a clear script of what I want to say so when I do create a video, I will probably record it a few times because it is not ‘perfect’. Why? Because I need it to be right/professional/spot on with what I have in my head, I am thinking about the judgement of others, but only on whether it is perfect or not, I’m not bothered if people think it is rubbish or not of interest or it is boring.
As a medium, I have often demonstrated in front of an audience, giving out messages to the audience from their lost loved ones. Now many people would be terrified about being in front of a crowd of people, that was never really an issue for me, I don’t necessarily enjoy being in front of lots of people but it does not turn me into a quivering wreck. My issue was again my perfectionism, assuming that everyone was looking at me and sort of doing the ‘is that it?’ train of thought, again, it was about not being perfect, giving date and time their loved one passed or inside leg measurement etc, that is not what people want, but the bottom line is that it made those events torturous for me, does any of that sound familiar?
Now, if I was a brain surgeon, perfectionism would probably be life & death, but as a human, a spiritual being, a clairvoyant, teacher or coach, not so much! It is really ok, to not be perfect, the world won’t end if I spell a word wrong in a blog, do you really care if my hair and make-up are not movie star ready or are you more interested that the information I am sharing with you in the video is accurate?
Where Does It Come From?
My perfectionist streak is the legacy of my childhood, for various reasons my brain decided that if I was perfect, I’d get more love/be confident/could control my world or some other interpretation. This may have been true back when I was 5 years old, messing up my ballet routine (hated ballet) but my father was so unimpressed, he left the hall. It may even be a legacy of being adopted ‘I’m not perfect so my family gave me up’ now I have NEVER consciously believed that, I always believed the opposite, however, that does not mean my younger self did not interpret things differently on a subconscious level.
The thing with beliefs is that they often make no sense, a child may believe that mum/dad left because they were naughty, when the reality is, the parent left for other reasons; another person, fell out of love etc. You can explain 1000’s of times to a child that it is an adult thing, it is not their fault or anything they did/did not do, but once the brain has seen/heard/felt the experience, it has filed that automatic reaction, created a belief & will now look for evidence to support it.
I do also believe that I was born into the family I was and adopted by the family I was and chose all sorts of other aspects of my life at my Soul Plan Meeting to allow for the spiritual growth my soul required from this life. We are always looking for growth for our soul & our human self. Always look to the challenges in your life for the lesson, what is it teaching you? You may see it as a negative, however, I see it all as positive. My soul can make room for another lesson I need in this life – yep, sorry, it is not always a case of clearing a karmic pattern so you have less to deal with, often it will be replaced by something else you agreed to work on. On the good news front, your soul has one less thing in the mix to complicate things so now I have dealt with my perfectionism, it’s no longer in conflict or compounding anything else I am working on, thank goodness for that!
Ancestral Workplace Karma
I do wonder if the need to be perfect is compounded by being a woman in an age where we women still feel we have to prove ourselves, to show we are not the weaker sex. I see this in so many of my female clients.
As a coach, I am very aware of Ancestral Karma which is where the beliefs, behaviours and habits are taken on by the next generation, this happens in the workplace too, so I have created the term ‘Ancestral Workplace Karma.
Let’s use the police force as an example (sorry to all my police friends). The police force is still being accused of systemic racism, sexism & elitism, it’s 2022 so we’d expect it to have gotten way better than it is. What is happening here is ‘workplace culture’, the police force was very heavily male dominated until the 1960’s/1970’s in the UK, now in those days, women were still considered the fairer or weaker sex, men thought we needed to be shielded from pain, danger, anything that might bring on an attack of the vapours etc, obviously never seen a woman in labour then!
Many of the individuals in the force when on their own are NOT racist, misogynistic, elitist etc, but when back in the workplace, they take on the Ancestral Workplace Karma & change into that person – think Sandy & Danny in Grease, he was a totally different person in the summer than when at school.
Each person behaves in a way that is in alignment with their management, so the first raft of police when the women joined the workforce, behaved in a certain way, they then passed this onto the people coming up the ranks behind them who then did the same. We have around 60-65 years of women in the police force, yet the behaviour is still there. When you know a person will jump on your weakness at the first opportunity so they can say ‘see, I knew they could not/were not up to it’ then you develop a belief that you need to be perfect so they will approve of you, this is also how it works with any authority or role model in your life; parents, siblings, family, teachers, friends, partners, bosses and so on.
What Is Its Effect?
If this is something that resonates for you, the impact it has on your life may be different to how it has impacted mine. I am able to see how it meant that criticism, whether fair or not would be something I did not like, it would be hurtful, instead of helpful, I’d beat myself up, because whilst I was pushing for perfection, instead of agreeing that their criticism was valid, it would prove to me that I still had not achieved the perfection I was seeking, talk about hiding to nothing! My brain was looking for evidence that supported my belief that I was not good enough, that I needed to be better, that perfectionism was the answer – this is something the human brain is wired to do, so you do it too – so of course, I found it! If I’d gone looking for proof or evidence I was perfect, my brain would find that instead.
This limiting belief has now been dealt with, but the journey to recognising I had it was quite a long one, thankfully resolution takes a much shorter time, thank goodness for coaches & NLP & all the other fab types of therapy available these days!
So now, rather than beating myself up for not being perfect, I can ask myself if I have done enough, have I delivered what I needed to, have I achieved my goal, if the answer is yes then I can let it go, if the answer is no, I ask myself if it will be the end of the world or disadvantage/hurt anyone, if the answer is yes then I need to up my game, but if the answer is no then I let it go. There are times when going 100mph achieves no more than going 20mph but the stress of the 100mph is untold so why do it if it is not going to make a positive difference to the outcome? There is no advantage at all!
Strategy For Resolution
Anything that breaks down the belief that is causing you the issue will bring you results, it may be NLP or tapping (EFT) or using specialised questioning, the main thing is once the conscious & subconscious minds both understand the belief is false, that there is a better belief that aligns with you, the brain will rewire to accept this new truth, this is called nueroplasticity. Once the new belief is in place the mind will behave in the way that is aligned to the new belief, simple as that.
So my take-away from my journey is that perfectionism is highly overrated, it does not always enhance a situation, it can in fact stop things in their tracks or make it too complicated, not to mention stressful.
As I was inspired to write this, the news came on, it was talking about how young girls are feeling the pressure to be perfect, it’s caused the mental health crisis in girls to rocket, secondary school age girls are 33% more likely to suffer from mental health issues than boys. Girls are under pressure from magazine models, celebrities & social media where people only post the good stuff, or photos which have been staged, airbrushed & filtered so everything looks perfect & flawless, how are girls meant to look like Kim Kardashian when they don’t have a hairdresser/make-up artist/lighting crew/photo editor/wardrobe director and money to buy all the designer clothes and accessories? These will all perpetuate the ‘I’m not good enough’ ‘I’m not worthy enough’ or ‘My life is awful’ mindset.
Have you noticed that we rarely compare ourselves to people who we think we are better than? A runner will look at the runner who is faster than them, a chef will compare to whoever they perceive to be a better chef than them & so on. Why can’t we look at the runners not as fast as us or look at them, acknowledge we were at that stage once and then let go? If we are not careful, the flip side of perfectionism is judgmentalism, of ourselves & others, because we need to feel we are better than someone else or we need to feel more perfect/less flawed than the other person.
Are you a perfectionist? Send me your story.
Did you know that the Navajo Indians when they make a rug, they leave a knot? This is them letting God know they are NOT perfect, they are not trying to be God, so their rug can be stunning, intricate and look perfect, until you spot the knot. Does it detract? No, it does not.
#perfectionist #perfectism #coachingwithtracyfance #mindset #workinprogress #ancestralworkkarma
Image courtesy of www.rachaelkable.com